Angrycat rhymes about Philadelphia water main break

A limerick on the occasion of the water main break at the Franksford and Torresdale Avenues last week that let loose twenty million gallons of water over three hours, causing a day care center to be evacuated and lots of damage to adjacent cars:

A broken pipe that was twenty feet deep
At a day care the children did leap
Over gallons that gushed
Away people did rush
Flooded cars left behind in a heap

Rhymecat on the bloodsuckers infesting Philadelphia

A recent survey put Cincinnati at number one for bedbug infestations nationwide, with Philly #2, ahead of NYC and everybody else.

Rhymecat, thoughts?

INFESTATIONS OF BED BUGS ARE HELL
SO BE CAREFUL OF PHILLY HOTELS
NUMBER ONE: CINCINNATI
NUMBER TWO: POOR OLD PHILLY
THE BUGS CLEARLY HAVE WON; UGH, OH WELL

GOOD JOB, RHYME CAT!

Rhymecat on PA Secretary of Education Kerfuffle

Pennsylvania's Secretary of Education was let go because of a discovery that he had engaged in "unbecoming behavior" related to sending emails about speedos.

Now, our brand new state Secretary of Education is already in trouble after being on the job for two minutes, for her failure to disclose a source of income on her taxes.

Rhymecat, thoughts?

PAs SECRETARY EDUCATION
HE WAS FIRED BECAUSE ACCUSATIONS
ALL ABOUT HE DID NOT KNOW
HOW A FRIEND LOOKED IN A SPEEDO
FOR CORBETT ANOTHER AGGRAVATION

GOOD JOB, RHYMECAT

Rhyme cats weigh in on funeral for lady found alive

A woman was found dead in West Philly earlier this month.  A person misidentified her as a member of his family.  The mistake was realized during an open-coffin funeral.  The woman who is buried remains unidentified.

Care to chyme in, Rhymecats?

IN THE ROAD A LONE WOMAN WAS FOUND
FAMILY MISSING MEMBER CAME 'ROUND
POOR LASS NEVER AWOKE
CAUSE OF DEATH WAS HEAT STROKE
NOW WE DON'T KNOW WHO LIES UNDERGROUND

GOOD JOB RHYMECATS

Rhyme cats weigh in on PA voter ID developments

A state court has held that the PA voter ID law won't apply to the general election; no final decision has been made on the merits.

Rhyme cats: thoughts?




JUDGE MCGINLEY HAS RULED TO RESTRICT
WHAT THE VOTER ID LAW AFFLICTS
TOO MANY YEARS OF CORBETT
AND THE STATE IS A WRECK
BUT AT LEAST WE HAVE THIS VERDICT

Thanks, rhyme cats!

D. Bruce Hanes, Pennsylvania's renegade gay-marriage guy

D. Bruce Hanes you awesome fellow, you brought Angrycat out of retirement with your awesomeness,  get out of here with your bad awesome self!  Mr. D. Bruce Hanes, despite laws banning gay marriage in the Keystone state, has said No to the haters No to the hicks and bigots, and, in his righteous capacity as Montgomery County's Register of Wills, has issued a marriage license for a lesbian couple.  Chaos and media attention ensued, and I do not care what you believe, if you do not feel a twinge of sympathy for all the heat D. Bruce Hanes is getting right now you are a bad person, and I'll see ya in Hell. Some lame-ass County Register of Wills Association issued some fiat about how Mr. D. Bruce Hanes's acts violate state laws, but Mr. D. Bruce Hanes don't care.  Mr. D. Bruce Hanes is all about the love, he says no to the hate.  He is Mr. D. Bruce Hanes: look upon him, ye stupid haters, and tremble

IM IN YER CHAPEL, MARRYIN YER GAYZ

The further unraveling of Philadelphia city schools

So, the  City has announced layoffs, effective July 1 of this year, for almost four thousand of the District's approximately twenty thousand employees.  Further layoffs are expected, so that 30% of active positions will be eliminated.  As the Philadelphia Inquirer noted, with these cuts:

These schools will not be centers of growth and promise. They will be far closer to custodial houses, where, despite the best efforts of teachers (and the effort will be there), only the most confident students can get the year's worth of learning every child deserves from September to June.

A'ight, let's try this another way.  Imagine that all these students, even the misbehaving ones, are like the kitten pictured below.  Now, what is the right way to raise the kitten?  Put the kitten in a dark room and ignore it?  Or put your face in its belly and feed it treats and play with it with little bouncy toys?  WHICH IS THE RIGHT CHOICE.

Philly #5 when it comes to people and also stereotypical dog attacks

The 2010 census showed that Philly is still the fifth largest city, despite growth projections that estimated that it had been replaced by Phoenix.    In the two years since, Philly has maintained this trend of growth, which is described as related in part to an increase in the immigrant population.

In other recent city ranking news, Philadelphia was also ranked #5 in the nation in numbers of dog attacks on mail carriers

BACK IN THE DAY WHEN PHILLY WAS MOST LIKELY #1 WHEN IT CAME TO DOG ATTACKS ON MAIL CARRIERS.

Some various ways in which Philly is hurting her kids

The Philadelphia Adverse Childhood Experiences task force reported that out of 2,000 person-sized sample of Philly residents, one out of three people grew up in a household where there was physical abuse, one in three witnessed, as a child, someone beaten, stabbed, or shot, and one in three grew up in a household where there was drug or alcohol use.

The ACE task forms claims claims that: "Almost 100% of stakeholders who have engaged in state level policy change cited the importance of building support across a robust set of domains, including health, human services, education, domestic violence, law enforcement, and child welfare."

This is the kind of study that makes more understandable that Upper Darby bus ride where a seven year old was assaulting a driver and aide, causing the bus driver to pull over and call 9-1-1.

Then maybe not such a good idea to slash school funding so there are fewer or no school librarians, counselors, and arts and music programs.  Hence, students are protesting in Philly and Allentown.

Delco polls invaded by invisible people wanting to vote

The crowd of approximately fifty invisible people shifted impatiently as they waited their turn to vote in Upper Darby, PA, yesterday.  One man mopped the sweat of the humid May day off his brow before saying, "I had to bring the kids with me today."  He gestured to his three invisible children, ages 8-11, who were waiting patiently.  Referring to the fact that many of the ballots were for judicial appointments, the invisible man who declined to give his name, continued, "but it's important to let the young ones know that every branch of government is accountable to the voters."

Deer goes on rampage, hijacks PA bus

So last week this white-tailed deer crashed through the windshield of a city bus somewhere outside of Pittsburgh, flailed around for a while, and then the driver helpfully opened the door, said, 'I think this is your stop,' and out the deer went, although without paying a fare.

The video is below, and the deer is of course looking as freaked out as hell, so it might be better if you imagine the deer being like total bad-ass, like high on crystal meth and demanding the bus driver's wallet before it gets off the bus.

Driving with your phone in Philly

A 2006 study found that driving with a cell, even hands-free, is equivalent to driving while drunk in terms of impairment. There is cell-phone use suspected in the collision and killing of a jogger in Limerick back in March of this year.  The duck boat accident that killed two a couple of years ago was caused by cell-phone distraction.  Over 3,000 people were killed in distracted driving incidents in 2011, with over 300,000 injured.

Despite all that, a casual observation of the drivers in Philly shows that half of them have a cell phone to their ear.

Angrycat, thoughts?

SHUT UP AND COME LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND

Why is there a body part on my bed.  Who put that there?

DON'T WORRY; IT'S FRESH. THERE WAS A THREE-CAR PILE UP ON 69TH

How did you even get out of the house?

SEE WHEN YOU EAT A HUMAN HAND IT'S BEST TO GRASP IT BY THE FLESHY PART OF THE THUMB

Philly public school librarians

Back in 2009, the librarian breakdown in Philly public schools was 77 librarians for 281 public schools, with 75-80% of elementary schools lacking a librarian.  Things are a little different in neighboring Delaware, Bucks, and Montgomery Counties, where almost every public school has a librarian.

Philly's public school librarian problem is a relatively new one; twenty-five years ago, nearly every Philly public school had a librarian.  Inmates of Pennsylvania prisons may be better off when it comes to accessing a library than do Philly school kids, as all PA prisons are required to have libraries and staff.

And then there is the current district proposal, that would do away with the rule requiring librarians in schools with a thousand or more students, so voila, fewer libraries and librarians.

This is all despite a Pennsylvania study showing a link between literacy levels and school librarians.  And despite the fact that 45% of Philadelphia public school students are reading below grade level by the fourth grade.

All of that was fairly depressing, so please enjoy a picture of a little old kitty enjoying a head scratch.

Philadelphia masturbate-a-thon

From May 1 to May 27, the Philadelphia maturbate-a-thon is in effect.  What you do is set up a profile at this site, keep track of the number of times you jack off, and somehow I guess people are willing to sponsor you and donate money to charity if you jack off a certain number of times.  I confess I don't really understand it.  What I do know is that, at the time of this writing, the project has raised $810 for sexual education and related efforts and user Raymond Reams the One-Eyed Demon has raised $100 of that.


Neither Angrycat agreed to participate in a second consecutive post related to human copulation, so here is a phallic photo of Philadelphia City Hall.

"Take this condom, my child, and behold my pubes"

So, Carnegie Mellon University had their annual Anti-Gravity Downhill Derby April 18, said parade commemorating slash celebrating art. Of note was that in this year's parade, a young woman dressed as the pope from the waist up (naked below, with her pubes shaved into a shape of a cross) was handing out condoms as communion wafers.

Both the National Catholic League and the Catholic Archdiocese of Pittsburgh Were Not Pleased and are urging the university to lay down the law so next year's parade won't involve pubes shaved into an Islamic star/crescent, or something. The National Catholic League wants this woman suspended from school, and warns that if Carnegie Mellon doesn't act, the school is in danger of breaking the dressing-as-naked-female-popes law.

Angrycat, thoughts?

JESUS. THIS PACKAGE OF CONDOMS IS UNOPENED AND EXPIRED.  ARE ALL CAT OWNERS THIS PATHETIC?

In Chester County, PA, a date with charity is a date with death

So Chester County Sheriff Bunny (her real name) has decided to auction off an assault rifle for charity.  So, you know, that's something.

Well, we here at Angrycat central don't have an assault rifle, but Angrycat is arguably an assault cat.  Tell us, Angrycat, as a weapon of deadly destruction, what would you do to earn the greatest charitable donation?

WELL I MEAN FIRST I WOULD MURDER EVERYTHING IN SIGHT

WOMEN, MEN, CHILDREN, DOGS, OTHER CATS

[All right.  Calm down.]

YOU SHALL BE FIRST

[sounds of screaming]

When it comes to pollution, Philly is #1

Actually, we're number 11 according to a 2013 report by the American Lung Association.

But the good news is that this means one can say that Philadelphia is "Dickensian" and be rightish. Although you'll probably still sound pretentious, like that editor guy on The Wire.

Angrycat sez: Yep, that's a picture of my butt.

Philly wins the homeless and hungry city contest

Philadelphia was number one in a study ranking food insecurity for the years 2009 and 2010. In 2010, estimates are that over 30% of families here didn't have enough food. According to a 2012 hunger and homelessness survey, Philly beat out 25 other major U.S. cities when it came to unmet needs for food and shelter.

Angrycat sez: OOOOOOOO a stack of foods

As I don't have thumbs, I shall attempt to nuzzle these cans open.

Well, fuck.

Get out the bathroom and open these cans, you lazy bastard. You have something in your eye? Well I have nothing in my stomach. Get the fuck out here.

Corbett's 2013-14 Budget: find every revenue stream and murder it in the face.

PA Guv Corbett, gazing at what he has wrought with his billion and a half cut to education (which has resulted in a shitstorm of closures and coming labor war) has made the wise decision to double down on austerity measures.  I mean fuck it, we just need people to put the fracking pipes in the ground, right?

So he has announced that his 2013-14 budget will contain a 30% reduction in corporate taxes, resulting in a yearly budget loss of 800 million.   But then he's doing it because we've been really taxing those guys too much I mean no this is actually the tenth year in a row corporations in PA get a tax break.  Add all those corporate tax breaks up?  You get a yearly loss of 3 billion.  Yay.


Angrycat sez:  I look at them numbers and show them my BUTT

Mandatory ultrasounds: close your eyes and think of Corbett

So, back in 2012, PA Guv Tommy Corbett was out selling the merits of a state bill that ended up dying in the legislature. Said bill would have required women seeking abortions to undergo an ultrasound of the fetus. Under the bill, the doctor would be required to take notes as to whether and how much the woman was making eye contact with the ultrasound images. Corbett commented that he found this procedure unproblematic, given that women could always shut their eyes, thereby depriving the state of its ability to fuck with a woman's head. "That is, during stage one of the program," continued Corbett. "Stage two employs stabbing the woman with a stick every time she looks down. We're not sure about stage three yet, but I can promise that it will involve robots."

The reason these comments are back in the news in '13 is that Corbett is running for re-election and most residents of the state would vote for a pile of manure over Tommy, 'cause, hey, fertilization.  And these comments make him look like a douche down to like the molecular level of douchiness. So he wants to make clear that those comments were out of context.  It's unclear what additional context would make the comments more palatable; as is Corbett is sounding like the fool at the party who makes a rape joke and then spends about fifteen minutes explaining in a high-pitched voice why the joke isn't really about rape.

Angrycat sez: Fuck you with your picking me up to do God knows what; try anything and I'll tear your hand off

Your are going to do WHAT to my WHAT

Maybe playing dead is the best approach here.

Fuck it, that hand is coming off.

Divorce, PA style: shoot off your ring finger

A PA prison guard attempted to end his marriage with Extreme Prejudice by shooting his ring finger when he couldn't take it off. 


Remember, guns don't shoot off ring fingers. Drunken federal prison guards with marital problems do.

In other news related to well not love but perhaps masturbatory habits, Philly DA Seth Williams's twitter account was following two sex bots, @ratemylatin and @ratemyebony.  Well, hey, it's not like jerkin' it is illegal, so everybody's happy, right?

Angrycat sez: I've never even had sex. Fuck outta here.

Pennsylvania Poop

A truck overturned near Bellwood, PA, spilling seventeen tons of human shit all over the place.  It was a snowy road, and poo is potent stuff, so perhaps it was an effective de-icer.  But then we are having a warming trend, so one way or another that's a large amount of melting snow/poo slurry.

Yrs truly knows that you, Gentle Reader, would not be satisfied with one poop story alone.  NEVER FEAR.  For it turns out that in that wackadoodle private expedition to Mars in 2018, the idea of poop being used as a radiation deflector is being flung about.  You're welcome.


Angrycat sez:  Okay, dude, like, what the fuck, I'm looking at this and seeing three or four turds here that probably belong to that annoying other cat.   And you expect me to squat in this?  FUCK YOU it's Sunday it's past twelve scoop up this shit.  Wait.  You did NOT just take a picture of me next to this disgusting box, did you?  If you put that on the internet, hey, I'm not threatening, but you do treasure waking up with your face still attached, yes?  Don't look at me like that, do your fucking job and don't you dare use this photo.

Corbett: Gimme PRESENTS and you can frack everybody and everything

Here's some context for this: Corbett has given drillers of natural gas carte blanche to poison water and people in PA. The fracking industry is paying very little for the privilege of destroying lives and the environment of the Keystone State (then there's the whole absence of meaningful regulation, but that's another issue). One estimate of how much PA will lose over a twenty-year period by not requiring frackers to pay royalties? 48 billion. Hey, remember that one and a half billion that Tommy cut from the education budget? Which is leading to the closing of thirty schools in Philly and probably a wildcat strike later in the year, as the district is like, work more for much less pay and oh we can't even give you access to water fountains I MEAN FUCKING WATER FOUNTAINS and you know how all of this could have been avoided? Taxing the fracking industry.

New York, which shares the Marcellus Shale with PA, is WOW applying things like reason and caution to whether fracking should commence (although one douche is going on about the 'jihad' against the fracking industry, which, I guess, establishes that no place is idiot-free). And in debating the issue, the legislature is like, well, in Pennsylvania people are dying and stuff so guess that's what when there's no regulation or oversight and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WE CAN'T BE LIKE PA. And therefore no fracking in New York for at least two years more. So that NY can study more PA's state of fucked-upness with regards to fracking.

Maybe this is how people who think thoughts feel in Texas or Arizona; this sense of shame that arises from having true wackadoodles (Perry, Brewer) in charge of their state. Kind of like, you work in a cubicle farm and this dude is farting loud and stinky farts and other folks know it's not YOU but you are in the same vicinity of the smell of shit, so it's a big downer, both in terms of smelling shit and also being associated with the smell of shit.

So it turns out that during Tommy Corbett's campaign for guv, he accepted a buncha stuff from folks who wanted stuff from the hot mess that is the Corbett administration. One big gift-giver was this fellow Moran, who was under investigation by the state for issues related to, well, how fucking awful fracking is. Moran was all, here are tickets to the Philadelphia Orchestra lemme frack, here is money for a yachting vacation, lemme frack, here's a bunch more money, lemme frack.

At least Jan Brewer has alcoholism as an excuse for her bad behavior.

Angrycat sez: Yo, dude, YOU MAD? No, no, I'm not mocking. I swear. I mean, purr, purr, purr, I love you. Just -- you know, your Manson eyes of hate? Really freaking me out right now.

Philly Gingerbread Man, he deals heroin like no one can

It is difficult for Angrycat to imagine The Gingerbread Man as anything other than the little scamp who scampers away from those who iced him, all the while taunting, taunting, taunting.

NOW IMAGINE HIM WITH GIANT BAGS OF SMACK

Yes, children, The Gingerbread Man in Philadelphia brings not only taunting rhymes but heroin Angrycat imagines to be in packets dotted with frosting. Philly Gingerbread Man perhaps overreached when he began taunting police over the intertubes, to wit:

"run run run as fast as u can u can't catch me I'm da gingerbread man...sincerely da gingerbread man"

Well he ran ran ran as fast as he could but it turns out that the policemen, could, in fact, catch him, along with the four big bags of dope he tossed mid-flight. And then the policemen ate him, the end.

But weep not for The Philly Gingerbread Man. I mean, you can, if you want, or you can chuckle at his antics. Or rage at his drug dealing. I don't care.

Angrycat sez: We haven't had good catnip in this joint since '93. Feds busted a big lab downtown. Fucking feds.

Philadelphia public schools clusterfrak

Philadelphia public schools are largely a mess. Well, one sure way to improve the quality of public schools is to dramatically cut funding, right? RIGHT. Public school funding has been cut by 1 billion (heckofa job, Tommy Corbett) Well, that shit has some consequences beyond closing one in six Philadelphia schools and laying off 3,800 teachers and staff.

So, Philly public school teachers are in the midst of negotiating their contract, which expires this summer. The opening offer from the school district? Oh, we want to slash your pay by as much as 13% and also hey work approximately an additional hour per day. And no raises until 2017. ÀND to begin contributing 5 to 13% to their benefits. AND no more optical, dental, or prescription coverage. AND no more seniority credits when lay-offs happen -- you taught for thirty years -- sorry granny, no job security for you. AND no more caps on class sizes. Good luck, parents, gettin' your kids some education in a class of forty kids. AND most librarian positions eliminated.

Fuck.

This for teachers who work in schools where violence is so endemic that from 2005-2010, 4,000 assaults on teachers by students occurred. And the teachers teach kids who predominately qualify for free lunches. One third of Philadelphia children fall below the poverty line, making it one of the poorest of the nation's cities. Only 60% of students graduate. Less than 60% score as proficient in reading and math.

Angrycat sez: Oh, 'bad cat' indeed. Yeah, I'm your cute uneducated prop.  And exactly who is scooping my poops every day?  Hint: Someone with two thumbs and two graduate degrees, that's who.

GOP to Corbett: Even we think you're a douche

Oh, poor Tom. He takes this brave stance on No! Obamacare! For the poor! and then looks around eagerly to his GOP cohort and sees their faces sorta wrinkled as if he'd just let out a giant fart. Chris Christie has said that hey, Obamacare is the law of the land, yes we will give it to the poors, and the Florida Guv has been like, dude, my mother died and now I understand things like compassion and the fact that health care is important. YES CORBETT IS TOO EVIL FOR EVEN THE GOP TO HANDLE. And now comes the news that the GOP in PA is pressuring Corbett to, hey, maybe be 5% less evil? And give health care to the poors? And Corbett is like, 'o snaps for real guys?'

AND THEN HE BREAKS DOWN CRYING AND I AM THERE TO DRINK HIS DELICIOUS TEARS

But! There's! More! Evil! related to Obamacare in the Keystone State. GOP state senator Donald C. White has introduced a bill so that you know these health care exchanges? That we will all be using if we are not on Medicare, penniless and on Medicaid, or if we are one of the fifteen people left who get health care through their employers?

So, Donald C. White is doing is darned best to make sure that NO ABORTIONS FOR ANYONE, ANYWHERE in Pennsylvania by introducing a bill that would keep any plans offering abortion coverage out of the exchanges. The only way you get an abortion ladies if you can't pay out of pocket? Rape! Incest! Imminent death! In other words, if you just MIGHT die because of the parasite in your womb, uh, get your gravestone ready.

Fuck me.

Angrycat sez: NO I AM HERE TO DRINK YOUR DELICIOUS TEARS

PA SEQUESTER DOOOOOOOOOM

As per the White House, here's part of what's going to happen to Pennsylvania because of the sequester and the reason for the sequester is that our species is doomed, let's just face facts.

KIDS YOU ARE DOOMED
Teachers and Schools: Pennsylvania will lose approximately $26.4 million in funding for primary and secondary education, putting around 360 teacher and aide jobs at risk.  In addition, Pennsylvania will lose approximately
$21.4 million in funds for about 260 teachers, aides, and staff who help children with
disabilities.
Head Start: Head Start and Early Head Start services would be eliminated for approximately
2,300 children in Pennsylvania, reducing access to critical early education.
Child Care: Up to 1,800 disadvantaged and vulnerable children could lose access to child care,
which is also essential for working parents to hold down a job. 
Vaccines for Children: In Pennsylvania around 5,280 fewer children will receive vaccines for
diseases such as measles, mumps, rubella, tetanus, whooping cough, influenza, and Hepatitis B due
to reduced funding for vaccinations of about $361,000. 
PLANET YOU ARE DOOMED

Protections for Clean Air and Clean Water: Pennsylvania would lose about $5,705,000 in
environmental funding to ensure clean water and air quality, as well as prevent pollution from
pesticides and hazardous waste. In addition, Pennsylvania could lose another $1,448,000 in grants
for fish and wildlife protection.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO GET KILLED BY SOUTH KOREA OR MURDERERS YOU ARE DOOMED


Military Readiness: In Pennsylvania, approximately 26,000 civilian Department of Defense
employees would be furloughed, reducing gross pay by around $150.1 million in total. Law Enforcement and Public Safety Funds for Crime Prevention and Prosecution: Pennsylvania will lose about $509,000 in Justice Assistance Grants that support law enforcement,
prosecution and courts, crime prevention and education, corrections and community corrections,
drug treatment and enforcement, and crime victim and witness initiatives.
OLDS YOU ARE DOOMED

Nutrition Assistance for Seniors: Pennsylvania would lose approximately $849,000 in funds that
provide meals for seniors.

Angrycat sez:

Corbett doing his darn best to ensure no health care for the poor

Angrycat has previously celebrated PA Guv Corbett's attempts to squish poor children and sick people into a meat slurry in order to power the next generation of natural gas frackers. It turns out that the Corbett administration has been using the unholy power of bureaucracy to further his cause against the idea that poor people utilize something other than the ER for health care.

Earlier this year, Corbett eliminated general assistance, a state cash program for those who don't qualify for other kinds of benefits (for example, the disabled who are waiting on their applications to Social Security for SSI or SSD).

The clever part is that Corbett didn't eliminate the medical assistance portion of that program. However, it seems that many of those in the program no longer, for some reason, received medical benefits after their other assistance was discontinued. But it's not his fault, guys! Really. Requiring people dying of cancer to work 100 hours a month in order to receive benefits, hey, not related. Although accepting money from the feds for a Medicaid expansion would cover the medical costs of all these people but no 'cause SOCIALISM.

Angrycat sez: I could eat a sick person. A properly sick person, though. Actually, no, only a fresh trauma victim is something I could eat, dying-human wise. Eating a sick person would be sort of gross. I don't like being around sick people at all, to be honest.

Philly tweeters sadly hacking shit

According to this study by the University of Vermont, Philly tweets rate highly on the sad-o-meter. We are so sad, guys. Or, given that the happiest tweets came from Hawaii, maybe our tweety sadness would be cured with sun, sand, and surf, sort of like psoriasis. Maybe relatedly, whoever is hacking major twitter accounts like Burger King and MacDonald's is apparently using their super hacking powers to promote Philly rap artists and comedians. It's sort of sad that this person didn't use his abilities to promote world peace, but maybe he or she is too sad. It's sad.


Angrycat sez: I am only full of a smiling contentedness as I insult your mother on twitter.

Wooo Philly Bank Robber Wooo

So this dude has apparently decided February is National Rob a Philly Bank month. He has hit four since the beginning of the month, is still on the loose, and is maybe hoping to emulate Carl Gugasian, who is also from the Pennsylvania area, robbed over fifty banks, but did get caught so maybe not. Our latest bank robber thus far has the wisdom to not try Brian Douglas Wells's tactics of wearing a collar bomb into an Erie, PA bank, which then goes off and boom goes the head. Or Jeffery M. McMullen, who walked into a Northern Cambria, PA bank to demand one dollar in hopes that he would be sent to the nearby federal pen.


ANGRYCAT sez: I'm in yr accountz, stealin' yr fundz

Philly public schools: military students, neediest students, gettin' the shaft

The Philadelphia Public School Notebook has been reporting on the clusterfuck that is the planned closure of 37 schools in the city.  Here's a piece about how the students at two military academies are protesting the merger of their schools.  Here's an even better piece about how the closure of a school serving the neediest, at-risk students was based on a report full of factual errors.  Here's a piece about some of the plans offered as an alternate to school closings.  Not on the list: going back through time and making sure nobody votes for Tom Corbett.

Angrycat sez:  I was in JAIL and you expect me to care about your problems?  Fuck off.

Cuckolds, welcome to Philly

Happy Day After Valentines Day!  Your wife is totally boning the guy next door, if you are in Philly.  We are number eight on some list of the cheatingest places.   Why?  I dunno.  Maybe it's our rivalry with Boston, New York, and D.C.; it's engendered an inferiority complex that make seeking out the genitals of others a wise move.

ANGRYCAT sez:  Whateva the fuck this post is about, I give zero fucks.  I am in cat jail after I was taken to a place where a cold long thing was shoved up my ass, and then two daggers were thrust into different places in my ass.  I do not care.  I do not give a fuck about any of your problems or concerns.  Fuck off.  I mean it.  I will cut you.  Fuck.

Vultures are just hangin' in PA

Vultures are usually those things that pop up in westerns when our hero is dying of thirst in the desert.  WELL NOT ANYMORE SUCKAS.  Black and turkey vultures find that they love Eastern Pennsylvania, probably because fracking effluent smells like decaying flesh.   One woman was recently so beset that she hung a dead vulture in her yard and what do you know?  Turns out vultures like dead things unless it might be their mothers, fathers, brothers, cousins. Fucking hypocritical asshole birds.

Also, how much would it suck for this other lady to come home to a totally trashed house and have a biologist explain that the birds were just "killing time?"

Angrycat sez:  I pretend to be dead to rid my life of humanity.

Philadelphia eyeballs and mistrials

Man, I really hope that something good happens soon to One-eyed Dude. One-eyed Dude used to have two eyes, but there was a fight with Other Dude and while what happened next is disputed, when the furor died down Two-eyed Dude was no more. One-eyed Dude was born.

One-eyed Dude is depressed, loses his job because his loss of function. So what can he do but sue Other Dude.

The One-eyed Dude is testifying about the last moments of sight that he had in that now-gone eyeball. Think of it; from now on, all will to have to pass through that single eye alone before they can rest in his brain alongside the memories he made when he was Two-eyed Dude.

And One-eyed Dude is thinking about that lost vision and crying AND HIS PROSTHETIC EYEBALL POPS OUT OHHHH GOD THE HUMANITY.

And so the judge declared a mistrial. One-eyed dude must go through all of the proceedings again. And One-eyed Dude is peering with his one eye at this nightmare and wanting to cry some more but he's afraid that eyeball will pop out again.

Angrycat sez: Oh God, my eye. MY EYE

Alt-universe PA to legalize weed

Daylin Leach, a Democratic state senator, will introduce a bill in the Pennsylvania legislature that would legalize weed in PA (although the fed law still conflicts, but whatevs) for those over the age of 21.

But its chances of passing are equivalent to a joint staying lit whilst outside during Nemo, because Republicans control the state government , there's not popular support for it, and Guv Tom Corbett has promised to veto it. "Marijuana is a gateway drug," Corbett said. "That's why Barack Obama grew up to be a methamphetamine addict."

BUT in alternative universe Pennsylvania, our governor is a man named Cory Booker. He makes Pennsylvania great in many ways, in part by rescuing freezing dogs and women from burning buildings. Taxes from government-dispensary marijuana fund thriving public schools. "Dudes, sorry about the five dollar tax on an ounce," said Booker. "But we gotta think of the kids. Also, it's government weed. This shit is tight."

Angry Cat sez: I don't smoke weed.

Corbett takes courageous stance vs. creeping socialism

Poor children.  Poor sick people.  Both disgusting.  HERE TO SAVE US is Tom Corbett.

You see, because he's running for re-election, he is massively unpopular, and because he has cut the state education budget by 19% (resulting in almost 40 soon-to-be closed schools in Philadelphia), Tom must show that he cares. That's why he wants the state to sell the liquor stores to pay for schools.  He LOVES schools.  Except for the part where this weird liquor thing even if it works will mean that the state still contributes less to education than it did under our previous gov.   Don't worry Tom.  Nobody will know.

Then there's the aspect of Obamacare that gives money to the states so that they can expand Medicaid so that more people will be insured.  In PA, this number of insured would be 700,000, with the help of 43 billion in federal monies.  Plus, there is a yearly half billion on the line in terms of hospital funding.   HERE IS TOM to save us from the menace of subsidized health care and payments to hospital.  NOOOOO he will not take federal money to expand Medicaid.

Angrycat sez:  Kids?  Sick people?  I eat them and then SNEEZE THEM OUT MY BUTT

In PA, boy is it great to be rich!

While the poorest residents of Pennsylvania pay 12 percent of their income towards taxes, the richest pay 4 percent.  This means that only seven other states in the union treat the poor shittier than we do.

Angrycat sez:  PAY TAXES OR I TAKE OUT YOUR EYES

LIQUOR AND WHORES

So in PA there is some sort of state monopoly on booze so that you have to go to a state-sponsored booze distributor or drink in one of the two million bars in this town, five thousand of which are located on the street on which Angrycat dwells.

There's also Governor Corbett's declining popularity.  A lot of people hate him.  Especially women.  Which presents a problem for Good Ol' Tom, as he's gearing up to run for re-election.  Perhaps the impressive shock of white hair does not blot out the fact that he's planning to close almost forty public schools in Philadelphia.  Because what do you do when you have a graduation rate in the fifties, you just give up on public education entirely, apparently, and give education money to prisons.

But! Sez Tom teasingly, we can privatize liquor like any governmental agency in the universe ever.  And then use that money to fund schools!  Hooray!  Look at my hair.

But then there's this problem of his son-in-law.  As a former attorney general (and um now governor getting ready to run for re-election) it would probably be good if his narcotic cop son is not caught in a sting.  OH WAIT.  It seems said son-in-law likes to skim off the top when it comes to drug money. 

Angrycat isn't mocking.  Angrycat understands.  Angrycat likes money, too.

And why should you care what Angrycat thinks?  Because, in the words of Bubbles:

KITTIES ARE SO NICE

THEY LIKE TO SLEEP A LOT

THEY DON'T DO MUCH ANYTHING

BUT ANY KITTY I HAVE MET 

LIKES TO FUCK WITH STRING

Camden's rocket launcher

Camden, NJ, always working hard to make Philly look like Disneyland. You see, Camden's gun buy-back generated heaps, rooms, PILES of guns (2500 and counting). Lookit all those guns. Mmmmm, delicious guns. But wait, what's that big, vertical thing? A small chimney? A truncated Roman pillar?

No, IT IS A MOTHERFUCKING ROCKET LAUNCHER A ROCKET LAUNCHER IN CAMDEN, NJ.

So many questions. First, what would one shoot with a rocket launcher in Camden? And how did it get there? Did somebody bring it back from Iraq? Have Syrian rebels relocated to NJ?

What's infinitely more terrifying? Flaming cats. It is a thing. IT IS A THING (although not anymore).


ANGRYCAT sez: rocket launchers don't kill people I DO

The Liberty Bell Bomber's psyche

What would inspire a man to arrive at the Liberty Bell with a back pack without a bomb, give said backpack to a security guard, tell the guard that there was a bomb in it, and take off running? Some have noted that the man was previously very interested in renovating the Arizona capitol, as if the idea took root in his head and went round and round until it completely possessed him and he decided that one crack in the liberty bell WAS JUST NOT ENOUGH?

Angrycat's theory: The guy is there on a family outing that involves them all meeting and gazing at the blessed bell. See, the man is married with a child. Their precocious child is obsessed with American history who has decided that what he wants to do for his tenth birthday is see The! Liberty! Bell! HOWEVER the man is in the midst of a mid-life crisis that he has thus far kept hidden from his family. The man's mistress has dumped him. He realizes that he perhaps never loved his wife, and he hates himself for this, hates himself for having the affair, hates himself for being dumped. He wonders if he even loves his child, their beautiful, bespectacled, brilliant boy who brings nothing home from school but straight As and praise from his teachers.

How could I be such a bad man, a horrible man, a man unloved and incapable of loving -- why, he says to himself, why not go all the way? Why not say:

I AM THE LIBERTY BELL BOMBER!

Angrycat alerts you to the bomb -- in your PANTS