Philly: Toomey: our next ambassador to Afghanistan?

 Pennsylvania is contemplating whether to try an eleven-year-old as an adult for murder.  If convicted, he could face life without parole. (Metafilter).  On a less outraging note, a West Philly high school kid is going to be at the State of the Union tonight as a dignitary because he went to visit the White House in September but couldn't get in without his I.D. and was really sad about it.  U Penn comes up with a State of the Union drinking game.  Senator Pat Toomey goes to Afghanistan and sadly did not remain there.  Seriously, go back, Pat.  But he was there to deliver a sound message of fiscal conservatism -- defense is not part of the budget we should cut, according to him.  Go back to Afghanistan, Pat.  Nobody likes you.  Yeah, I hope I hurt your feelings.

Books: Harlem is Nowhere, pissing on Borges, Safran Foer tortures his dog

In Harlem is Nowhere, Sarifa Rhodes-Pitts examines Harlem history and there seems to be a comparison between the threats of the current gentrification and the urban plight of earlier years.  (Salon) Oh, Harlem, how I miss thee.  A writer decides to honor Borges by pissing on his grave; outrage ensues. (Guardian)  Johnathan Safran Foer tried to make his dog a vegetarian , which may indicate something vaguely disturbing about the author.

Philadelphia: Pizza robberies, the great crack eat-a-thon, Michael Vick should suffer more

In Philly, the task of pizza delivery people just got more thankless as people are robbing them.  People, that's not how you treat those who proffer the food of the gods! PBS follows the dogs that Michael Vick tortured.  Look, when you have enough material to do a doc about the traumatized animals of a dog fighter, should said dog fighter be earning a gazillion dollars?  I say no, but I hate football anyway.  In my hood of Upper Darby, a dude tried to swallow thirty packets of crack when accosted by police.  Bold.  Stupid.

Philadelphia: Santorum is an idot, dog electrocution, Camden chaos

Rick Santorum believes that, as a black man, Obama is obligated to be pro-life.  Blood Libel!  Also, please do remember that Senator Toomey is to the right of this joke of a man. (Philebrity). Also, additional occasions of dogs being zapped by electricity as they walked Philly streets. (Philebrity)  Girl Scout cookie season has begun.  (CBS) The season on Girl Scouts has yet to be announced. I'm sorry that was a terrible thing to write.  Please don't read this blog and do any killing.  Predictable chaos in Camden after 50% of its police force was laid off. (CBS)

Books: Mega Bob Dylan book contract, stupid fucking Assange coloring book

Bob Dylan has agreed to a six-book contract with Simon & Schuster (Guardian).  Neil Gaiman is scheduled to appear in The Simpsons next year. (Galley Cat)  Too bad he can't get in a time machine and appear in the era in which The Simpsons was awesome.  Oh hey, there's a Julian Assange coloring book!  (Galley Cat)  Definitely what the world needs.  And the best news of all:  Stephanie Meyer's sales are starting to cool down. 

Philadelphia: Glenn Beck hates us, our youth are poets, Camden buck-nakedness

Philly now has the proud distinction of being a place that Glenn Beck hates.    How can he hate us when we have the Philly Youth Poetry Movement?    In front of a police station in Camden, a woman stripped naked before a gathering of reporters who were there to cover the devastating lay offs to the police force there.  Questions remain as to whether the stripping was a celebration of the lay offs, a protest, or a result of crazy worms nesting in the woman's brain.

Books and Palin Mockery: Get ready to O.D. on folksiness; the 'spovel'

First, let's give a hand to Earbucket of Metafilter for his recent discovery of two folksy people singing a paen to Palin,   Somebody somewhere has coined the term 'spovel' for a satirical novel -- quick, get your queries ready, because of course this have never been done before -- case in point:  A book about that mean American Idol judge called The Sex Factor.  No, I don't know, either.

Philadelphia: Portland resemblences, Camden anarchy, Rendell death-mask grimace

Philebrity muses on the similarities between Portland and Philly as manifested in the new show Portlandia, which apparently chock-full of mockery.  I miss Portland but it is true there are too many white people in sweaters there.  Poor Camden is looking at losing half of its police force.   Clearly, the right solution is to cut taxes.  Annnd former gov Rendell explains a bit why he ended up baring his teeth on Sixty Minutes.

Books: Get a tattoo and a lifetime of books and DHS scrutiny

Publisher Black Ocean is offering a lifetime subscription -- meaning one of all of its future published books -- to anybody who gets a tattoo in homage to a Black Ocean title. As it happens, one of its books is titled Dear Al Qaeda.   And the title isn't misleading, apparently.   Yo, do yourself a favor and don't ink your body up for that prior to an international flight.

Philadelphia: Fires, wheelchair kill zones, the pro-fracking contingent

Big fire displaced over 130 people in West Philly.  Here are some ways you can help.  The press has nicely taken note that the sidewalks in Philly tell wheelchair users to fuck themselves on a daily basis.  Word.  Also, the people at PA Water Cooler are really fucking nuts.   It's sort of fun to read the blogs that read as spittle flecked diatribes against things like the AP piece that pointed out that PA rivers are very very vulnerable to the soon-to-be carnival of natural gas drilling.

Books: My next novel is going to be about herpes and you suck, R. Crumb

The Guardian suggests that some of the most compelling novels are about disease.  The Guardian also totally believes that Robert Crumb sucks hard, contrary to the opinion of the literary world and comic book guy.   Galley Cat offers a free mixtape of the award winners in the ALA Youth Media competition.  A debut novelist got this year's Newberry Award.  Oh, the envy, it burns.  Just kidding, congrats Clare Vaaderpool.  And finally, there is a new prize for formal poets.

Philadelphia: Basted in pickle juice aka the post I hope Mom doesn't read

Philebrity does a nice translation of Mayor Nutter's SNOW AGAIN FUCK press release.  Key ingredient in snow prep: yes, pickle juice.   Also, there is a random stabber to go along with our serial killer.  Speaking of which, the latest body found in Kensington was not the work of that evil dude.  Also, North Philly was bathed in eight million gallons of water today, thanks to a water main break.

Um, Mom, hope you didn't read this one.

Book news: Why.

So.  Um.  They're making a movie of Great Gatsby in 3D.  Why?    There is now an ebook app for babies.  Why? A French journalist plagiarizes 100 pages of somebody's material for a bio on Hemmingway.  Whhyy?

Philly: Opera flash mob, horrible budget problems, Congressional incompetence

An opera flash mob hit the Reading Terminal Market and sang Carmen.  Philly public schools have a $500 million dollar deficit for the 11-12 fiscal year, so yikes.  Showing just oodles of promise,  GOP Rep. Fitzpatrick from Bucks Co. sort of forgot to show up for his Congressional swearing-in.  Good job!

Book news: waterboarding Rumsfeld and new grant for new writers in New York

McSweeny's  writers imagine the plight of Donald Rumsfeld in an alternative reality where he is held as a detainee.  The New York Times asks various smart people how to define the role of a critic in today's society.  There is a new very cool sounding grant for new writers who reside in the five boroughs of New York City.   Philly totally needs to get in on that action. Finally, there is a new secret Obama novel and I  guess I should be excited but I am not.

Tip: Get drunk after the home invasion, not during

A local man called the police after he 1) Broke into somebody's house and 2) Proceeded to get drunk to the extent that he was unable to break out of the person's house.

So, he called the police.

Awesome.   But maybe the guy in Philly who is threatened a trash man with a rifle is not so awesome.
What is really not awesome?  Bedbug infestation of high schools in Reading, PA.

Creepy Twilight Dude, Creepy Assange Dude, Goodnight N-word

That vampire dude from Twilight is working with Cronenberg to bring Delilio's book Cosmopolis to the silver screen.   That annoying Assange dude is getting 1.3 million for his autobiography, but he does have legal fees to pay, so there's that.  Meanwhile, Colbert reasonably suggests that the n-words removed from Huck Finn could migrate to other classics, so he may find himself reading to his children Goodnight N-Word at bedtime.

PA reps eager to brutally savage the 14th amendment

Because if there's one thing that needs a-changing in this country, it's these gosh-durn principles of equality

Pa. lawmaker's group takes on 'birthright citizenship' | Philadelphia Inquirer | 01/06/2011

Pat Toomey can't wait to do EVIL

He could stop fidgeting and solve some problems by retiring.
Toomey eager to roll up sleeves, take on problems - delcotimes.com

200 N-words to disappear from Huck Finn

NewSouth books, based in Alabama, plans to slice the word out of Huck Finn. I am not sure if NewSouth believes this is a way to make a new South, but damn they've pissed off a lot of people.

New Huckleberry Finn edition censors 'n-word' | Books | guardian.co.uk

Philly's serial killer: It's not about the Guardian Angels, dumbasses

Phawker » Blog Archive » KENSINGTON STRANGLER: Hell’s Angels
Really great piece about how the press might stop getting all excited about Guardian Angels involvement and start writing about, say, poverty, the decay of the city, and how yes, if you write off whole stretches of Philly in terms of law enforcement and tell hookers it's their fault for getting raped, you just might have a serial-killer friendly environment.

Russia's Tolstoy problem

Tolstoy Remains Snubbed in Russia - NYTimes.com
So weird.

Note from PA: Can you please frack up our rivers?

Pa. allows dumping of tainted waters from natural gas drilling boom - delcotimes.com

I guess it's not enough that we aren't getting any tax revenues from the fuckers. Rivers on fire and no infrastructure! Yay!

Psychotic liar James Frey's new book supposed to be one of the biggest in 2011? Holy Crap

The best books of 2011 | Culture | The Guardian
Well Frey's written a book about a Power Bisexual Jesus. That's interesting. Also, it feels too soon for the Wallace book. Ah well.

Not a rant re: shoveling the motherfuckin' walk

Enjoy your stay - at the airport

Sorry about that bit yesterday. Actually I"m not sorry because that motherfuckin' snow kept me from my motherfuckin' coffee so fuck off. Anyways, above is a book review for my brother who will be soon flying back to NYC from Paris, and a good thing too because apparently if my niece stays there much longer she will charm all the Europeans insensate.

YO PHILLY SHOVEL YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN WALKS ALREADY

Look, my dear new town, I try to be nice.  I try to not lay to many F bombs on you -- but I swear to god some of youse deserve to be chewed up one side and down the other with a proper New York telling off that I cannot completely muster because I am Oregonian at heart.

You know that big fuckin piece of ice on snow in front of your sidewalk?  Guess what, some fuckin' poor old lady has to get through that who is probably living on cat food or more likely sawdust because cat food is so expensive.  You, you lazy shit, because there's some fucking marathon on Spike TV decided to see if you could increase your stores of assfat and not shovel your fucking walk.  Hope you feel really fucking good about yourself you piece of dreck.   Thanks for making the world a better place.

And you know what I would shovel your walk you fat piece of shit but I can't.  I use a wheelchair to do everything.  Get to the store, get to the pharmacy, put the bills in the mail.  And when you don't shovel your fucking walk, guess who remains inside for days in an increasingly homicidal stew.