Fighting the Philadelphia heat

Some Philly guards and inmates are not receiving air conditioning (CBS) even though it's like 1200 degrees.  Dozens of people were treated for heat-related illness at the latest Philly game (CBS).  In NYC, one woman decided to deal with the heat by taking off her clothes on the subway (Gawker)  Ultimately, nine people in Philadelphia died of heat-related conditions. (CBS)

Marijuana in Philly, Marijuana in Jersey

Gov. Christie has said that he will not move forward with the implementation of New Jersey's medical marijuana program until he gets an okay from the feds that no state employee will ever be prosecuted for involvement with medical marijuana.  Those familiar with the Department of Justice say no assurances will be forthcoming, even though the feds (at least under this administration) are unlikely to do anything about it.  Advocates are reluctantly considering suing Christie so he will move his fat ass and get this program implemented and some sick people will have some relief. (ABC) Meanwhile, Philadelphia has saved two million by decriminalizing small amounts of weed. (Daily News).

And hooray!  Today Christie announced that, despite not having blanket promises from the feds, med growers can start 'em up. (CBS)

Gov. Corbett to PA schoolchildren: If you just died we'd all be better off

Mayor Nutter stated over the fourth of July weekend that public education was vital to attaining "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.'  Sing it.  Yet, the recently passed state budget cuts close to a billion from public education, with over a quarter of that hitting the Philadelphia area (thenotebook).  Thank you, Gov. Corbett.  Of course the answer to the recession is to ensure that poor kids will be unqualified to do anything except perhaps manual labor in the natural gas industry which you, Tom Corbett, are a fucking pimp. But wait, there's more Corbett to hate!  You see, he blames upcoming layoffs on school districts (as opposed to his budget which has all the nuance, vis-a-vis budget cutting, of a Transformers movie) (Delcotimes)

Philadelphia: Police bed bugs. Upstate New York: Pardoned cow. Jersey: Elephant struck by lightning

It's the Philly region animal hour!

Lucy the Elephant in New Jersey (a FAKE but IMPORTANT elephant) was struck by lighting.  Damaged, not destroyed, thank the lord. 

Kayli the cow (a REAL and NOT IMPORTANT cow) escaped from a PA slaughterhouse, was pardoned by the Governor, and is now grazing in upstate New York. (WSJ.com)  Because even though it got a pardon from Gov. Corbett, like many PA residents it hates that man so fucking much it had to go somewhere where he does not govern.

Bed bugs, AKA minions of Satan, have infested three Philadelphia police stations (CBS).

Fracking in Pennsylvania: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

 As per the Sierra Club, some of Pennsylvania's fracking activities violate federal laws.  And this week's This American Life covered the issue of fracking in Pennsylvania, provided an excoriating look at how a) Fracking is going to poison us all; b) Gov. Tom Corbett is going to let us be poisoned, because he refuses to regulate this dangerous practice; and c) Drilling companies are throwing money at townships so that nobody will complain about their being poisoned.  And hazardous build-ups of methane gas (causing an explosion and forcing evacuations in places) in 35 drilling sites is attributed to faulty drilling practices. (PoconoRecord). 

Books: Mamet as right-wing loon; DFW on cynics, profit-seeking; amazing ipad app from Brit library; ZOMG YA IS SO SCARY

David Mamet has lost his fucking mind like a fucking child.  Sorry, that was my Mamet impression.  He's gone all climate change doesn't exist and big government is bad;  one would think that he's got a poster with a misspelled rant and a racist caricature of Obama on it. (Financial Times, via Metafilter)

NYRB prints a 2006 interview with David Foster Wallace entitled "A Frightening Time in America."   Lot of it has to do with what he describes as an age of extreme cynicism in the U.S. and Europe, with nations of people believing that all is a performance.  Moreover, in the U.S. the celebration of wealth and the act of acquiring it has become the dominating principle, which hey, isn't news, but Christ almighty think back a hundred years where people were talkin' about how money is the root of all evil and all that good shit. (Metafilter).

Oh God, now I really want one of those stupid fucking things:  the British Library has made 1,000 titles out of its 19th Century Collection available as an ipad app.  (Teleread)

Metafilter's Daily Alice does a nice-round up of the WSJ article that described today's YA offerings as horrifying and should therefore be pissed on and buried, I guess, and the responses from YA writers that are kind of like, "Have you ever been a teenager? 'Cause now that shit, that shit's horrifying." 

Philadelphia: assault over urine bet, condom-filled acorns, I hate Tom Corbett and his ways, vengeance rap

BREAKING NEWS:  Dude who beat up another dude over a bet regarding the presence of a bottle of urine in the dude's car. Beat-up dude was in hospital four days.  Beating dude now going to jail (ABC).

ALSO:  Judicial complaint filed against judge who brought unwrapped-condom-filled acorns to his bench and then handed them out as, I guess, sort of a romantic gesture?  No, really, that's about the grossest creepiest thing ever.  Also the link to the ABC news story has a picture of acorns with unwrapped condoms spilling out like sofa stuffing. 

Philly teachers and parents are freaking out over the 3,000 layoff notices that went out to teachers in the Philly school district.  Mayor Nutter is up in Harrisburg begging for money so that our city can educate its youth.  Yeah, I'm sure Gov. Corbett will get right on that. (CBS)

There was a big anti-Marcellus Shale-fracking rally in the state capitol -- only the activists were divided because some wanted to ban fracking on the grounds that the process will poison your water and kill you and everything you treasure, while others were in favor of taxing the companies for the privilege of poisoning the water and killing all of God's creatures (Politics PA).

PA is losing federal unemployment benefits, so the unemployed here are in desperate need of state unemployment funds.  But they're fucking around with it in the capitol, so some unemployed may face a period of zero income (Poconos Record).

Rap Master Maurice will make up a vengeance rap for ya.  It only costs seventeen bucks.  He'll then phone up the object of your ire and RAP YOUR WRATH (he'll also do a friendly rap for a few more bucks -- it's harder to rhyme the love, yo).  Here is an excerpt from his '08 anti-McCain rap:

NOW THIS JOHN MCCAIN SEE HE'S A LUNATIC
HIS DOME IS LIKE A MILKSHAKE YOU SEE HIS HEAD IS THICK
HE WANTS TO KEEP THE USA IN IRAQ
THAT'S ABOUT AS HEALTHY AS A DOUBLE BIG MAC
I'D RATHER CAST MY VOTE FOR MAYOR MCCHEESE
AT LEAST HE DOESN'T HATE THE VIETNAMESE 


Oh Rap Master Maurice, how I love thee, and thus I sing your praises, even tho I ain't sure you're in Philly. (via DailyCandy Philadelphia)

Books: The New Yorker's fear of vaginas, addiction to romance novels, tweeting Ulysses (why not)

The Awl  has put together a list of first appearances of profanity in The New Yorker.  'Slut' was used in 1974 but the super-duper dirty word VAGINA didn't appear until 1995. Fact.  Make of that what you will. (via Metafilter)

Some stupid psychologist on some stupid Christian website has opined that she is seeing a growing number of women "clinically addicted" to romance novels.  It's the careful usage of 'clinically' that cracks me up.  Anyways, this stirred up the twittersphere, with #romancekills trending big time and one author (Jason Pinter) claiming that King George VI's stutter was caused by remembering sex scenes on the page (The Guardian).

From of the department of No, I'm not really sure why, either:  This Bloomsday, a 'volunteer army' will tweet Joyce's Ulysses.  The whole thing. 140 characters at a time.  Fucking book nerds, man, I don't know.  (WritersWrite)

The National Academies Press is now offering its catalog (4000 titles science science science) as free downloads (Metafilter). More online goodness:  Next fall, Centre Pompidou in France will create the world's largest internet-accessible collection of modern art.  (TeleRead)

PA: alligators, drunken biking, God Hates Tom Corbett, Mafia, Rendell v. Fox, Santorums

Animal news: They found a three-foot long alligator in Bethlehem.  (ABC)

Transit news: In a test of driving knowledge, PA drivers ranked 26th amongst the states, which could be better, but is certainly better than NJ drivers, who ranked a lowly 48th -- a recent improvement from 50th.  But be warned: Turns out if you drive your bike drunkenly into a cop car in Philly, you may be arrested for BUI. (CBS)

God Hates Corbett news: Proof maybe that we've broken the planet, or that maybe God is really angry at Corbett's budget:  PA got hit with tornadoes (not as destructive as the ones that hit MO, tho). (Delawareonline.com)   Even better, Northern Philly got hit with an earthquake, albeit a very small one.

Area crime news:  I don't like violence, but nonetheless I feel a perverse pride when I think about the fact that La Cosa Nostra is doing a'ight in Philly, as per a recent set of federal charges against 13 alleged members of the gang. One of the mob guys is known as Bent Finger Louie.  Unrelatedly, a Pleasant Valley kid was given a summons for disorderly conduct charges because he acted up in class. (Pocono Record)

Random PA Politics:  Former Gov. Ed Rendell does humanity a solid and denounces Fox News (PoliticsPA) Miley Cyrus instructs her Twitter followers to not shop at Urban Outfitters because of the company's support of Rick Santorum, presidential candidate and homophobe. (Inquirer).  A man raided the district office of P.A. U.S. Rep.  Jim Gerlach and tried to make off with the office's ten-gallon fully-stocked fish tank.  Problem is, guy dropped the fish tank and it broke and fish and turtles and crabs and shit.  I guess go ahead and put this in the crime and animal news sections, too.

Books: Unfortunate gullibility; literary scams; Green Book and E.E. Cummings

If laughing at gullible people is your thing, as is mine, I present (via Metafilter), a blog devoted to those on Facebook who flip out over what they believe are real stories in The Onion.


Writer Beware warns us of the scam that is PublishAmerica, a so-called literary agency that purports to rep your work -- if you fork over a bunch of cash.  Don't do it.


Random book news:  The New York Times does a seemingly-thorough run-down on what exactly is in Qaddafi's Green Book, and oh boy how the rebels would like to tear every copy of that sucker up because they've been force-fed this crap from day zero.  And hey, totally different, but still interesting:  A previously-unknown E.E. Cummings poem was discovered.


Blog bonus:  A video of a dreaming kitten and its mother.  Watch it, and you will lose all anger and resentments of the parched earth of your cynical soul (Metafilter).

Philadelphia: Public schools are just so screwed; Street as indie Mayor; Santorum more embarrassing than any sex by-product

Ah, the awful horror of next year's education budget:  Philly is planning to eliminate 13 schools for at-risk students and cut funding for remedial disciplinary programs in half. (Inquirer) Sometimes I think that if Philly exploded, killing every man, woman, and child in a one hundred mile radius, a smile of delight would cross Tom Corbett's face.   A Daily News editorial notes that the Philly school district's clout is limited, given that the district is about as "popular as a bed bug infestation."  Cripes. 

This is apparently some kind of biggish deal:  Former Dem Mayor John Street is considering an independent run against Dem Mayor Nutter. (WHYY)

Former PA senator and current GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum found a way to embarrass himself without the help of Dan Savage:  Talking about John McCain's ignorance of torture.  (Politics PA)  This is all in the post-Bin Laden-death--did-torture-help debate; McCain says no (hello integrity!) Santorum was all yeah torture is hella cool u don't understand. You know, ever since the '08 campaign I've lost most of the respect I had for McCain, but the dude can't raise his arms over his head because he was, you know, tortured and shit.

Books: Roth/Booker Prize Controversy; ebooks, our new overlords; MFA YES NO; Lewis Black on writing

Re:  The awarding of the Man Booker International Prize to Philip Roth. The Economist is all meh about the controversy, generally supports the decision, and notes that the judge who quit in protest had published a book by a former Mrs. Roth about how horrible her marriage to Roth was.  But that same judge claims that Roth's work, in its totality, I guess, is equivalent to having the author sitting on one's face.  Which is really not a sexy image at all.

Maybe appropriate given that the world is going to end in a few:  More e-books sold by Amazon and another publisher than printed books.

Re: The big debate over whether MFA Creative Writing Programs are worthwhile:  Laura Miller of Salon weighs in on this fight between the London Review of Books (MFAs bad) and the Los Angeles Review of Books (MFAs good).  Given that I have an MFA, I choose to live in the world where having this degree is actually a thing that is good, and also in this world I have limitless vanilla lattes and a big house.

Uhhh Lewis Black rants about how hard it is to write a book.  What can I say, I have X-files on in the background and it's distracting.

Philadelphia: Gov. Corbett more disturbing than giant snake; SEPTA warns of the end times

A Pennsylvania funeral was disrupted by the unexpected appearance of a six-foot snake.  (DelcoTimes)

An Inquirer editorial called Gov. Corbett's vision of state education "Orwellian," with public school students acting as proles.  Gov. Corbett suggested that public universities make up for the yawning abyss in school budgets he created by leasing university lands to gas drillers for fracking purposes.  (Pennsylvania Progressive) Perhaps what Corbett hopes that the fracking on these lands will kill off all the faculty and students, thus neatly eliminating the problem of those people and their book-learnin'.  Because, for reals, if Corbett wasn't about that shit?  Why isn't he trying to fill the state budget with a little tax on the people who are preparing to break Pennsylvania good and proper (i.e., the companies drilling for gas).  (Inquirer)

Thankfully, we don't have to worry about it for too long, for as SEPTA tells us, THE END IS FUCKING NIGH.   Holy crap, isn't SEPTA a bit worried that some fragile folks would be disturbed by this?  (Philebrity)

Books: book perfume, the outer limits of book news, and then DFW

In what sort of seems as a marker of the decline of civilization, Karl Lagerfeld is developing a perfume that smells like books (Galleycat). Tina Fey, apparently forced to pre-autograph copies of her books, began writing things like, "Help, I'm stuck in a Korean Tina Fey autograph factory!"  (WritersWrite).  In other news that relates to writing by only the most slender of threads, Lady Gaga said recently of the creative process "You have to honor your vomit."  (WritersWrite again).  Salon examines this weird thing with hipster cops making repeat, unexplained appearances in comic books.

In a more serious vein, The New York Review of Books comprehensively addresses D. F. Wallace's The Pale King in the context of his other works.

Philadelphia: Bear stuck in tree; where is Steve the pig

About every local media outlet is spouting about a bear that was stuck in a tree and the firemen came and so now the bear is not stuck in a tree (Philebrity, with amusing interior-bear monologue).  The location of Steve, the pet pig that was seized by local police for being a pet pig, is unknown.  But, thank God, Steve has John Q. Public on his side. (Daily News)

In more serious news, The Inquirer notes that teachers all over the state have offered to implement salary freezes as a method of dealing with Corbett's education cuts. So much for the narrative of greedy public employee unions.  Also, a study out of Cornell University argues that natural gas extraction will cause more damage to the environment than coal mining (Nature News).  But that doesn't mean that the natural gas industry should be regulated, or taxed, or nothin'. And the Philadelphia Orchestra looks like it's going bankrupt, sadly. (NYT)

Books: Ayn Rand is the reason the human species is doomed; those Brits and their book-lovin'

Ayn Rand has a lot to answer for; one million copies of her celebration of selfishness (Atlas Shrugged) have been sold since Obama was elected. (NPR)  That smell?  One million copies of bullshit.  In the U.K., they are getting ready to print excerpts of Roald Dahl's writings on cereal boxes.  /shrug Whatever inspires kids to read, right? The Guardian has revamped its books site so that you can search for any book about which The Guardian has written, ever.  If they haven't written about it?  You can submit your own review. Rock on you adorable British people. Somebody with too much time on their hands has devised the Periodic Table of Storytelling.(Metafilter)  But then here I am blogging about it, so.  I guess what I'm saying is, what are you doing.  Examine your choices.  Good advice for all.

Philadelphia: Breaking animal news, right-wing follies

Animal news!  A local pit bull that managed to survive being thrown down a trash chute of an apartment building has become a world-wide sensation. (ABC News)  In Delaware County, somebody saw some dude's pet pig, called the cops, the cops seized the pig and relocated said pig to a farmhouse, for code reasons. (ABC News).

The right wing continues to run riot in PA.  Gov. Corbett is continuing his scorched-earth route to hell by cutting from 23 million to zero a fund that does things like provide job-training, financial counseling, and other services to poor people. (Inquirer)  Several hundred marched in Center City to protest state budget cuts to education. (NBC) Because of budget cuts, Penn State is cutting its Creative Writing MFA program.  (Poets & Writers) The Lehigh Valley News calls Corbett's skewed priorities" make the proposed budget "intolerable."  The Inquirer explains why the balanced budget amendment, introduced by fellow Pennsylvanian right-wing nut Pat Toomey, is bullshit.

Books: DFW Pale King buzz; Steinbeck made stuff up; S. King's musical

Stephen King and John Mellencamp are creating a musical. (Galleycat)  Maybe Ma was right and Jack 'n Diane were possessed by the devil?

Turns out that Steinbeck's Travels with Charley was mostly bullshit.  Well, he had a dog named Charley but other than that? (Metafilter)

Now that David Foster Wallace's last, unfinished novel is coming out (April 15) people are musing all over the place about it.  The Guardian contemplates the fact that the text was sitting on the study as Wallace hanged himself in the patio.  As far as the book itself, New York Magazine calls it unfinished like the Cathedral of St. John the Divine is unfinished; and it treats boredom, its subject, "as the leading edge of truths we’re desperate to avoid."

Philly: Gov. Corbett's internal demon-to-man ratio; Sandwich City!

Gov. Corbett gets that most people think he's an asshole, but thinks folks should be directing their ire at former Gov. Ed Rendell.  Turns out his reasoning is mostly bullshit, but is that really a surprise?  (Poconos Record)

The Philadelphia Public School blog points out that the proposed budget would cut 20% of its budget, and while funding would be cut by approximately $1500 per student or about a million per school, other school districts, such as Radnor, would only suffer a cut of $700 per student (The Notebook). Allentown has passed a budget that would cut class electives and 250 staff from its school district (ABC News).  At a rally in Bethlehem to protest Corbett's proposed budget, cries of 'recall' were heard (The Morning Call).

In other news, Corbett has made it as hard as possible for the state's Department of Environmental Protection protect PA residents from the natural gas industry (Pennsylvania Progressive) And no matter what he's doing to the school, he's increasing the budget of The Department of Corrections by $13.5 million dollars (Pocono Record). But don't worry, Philly has been named 'Sandwich City' by some gourmet magazine!!!! (Inquirer)

Books: With a one and a two and a -- writers come flock to get your hate on

Oh lovely, lovely, schadenfreude.  I think writers are better placed to appreciate this feeling, given that our lives usually involve the kind of rejection that from time to time has us weeping like a sixteen-year old who experiences her first heartbreak on the night of the prom.

Thus I give you the utter and complete meltdown of Jacqueline Howett, a self-pubbed writer who got a review that was not that positive.  Her response?  To go to the reviewer's blog and go from whiny ungrammatical broadsides to hurling of whiny 'fuck-yous.'  Yes, you writers, you know you must flock to this horrible spectacle (that has now been blogged about in every conceivable place, including Salon) TO LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH SOME MORE.

But, check it, your trusty blogger is not letting the good times stop there.  Nooooooo.  We have, for example, this book-lover who goes to book-signings and requests authors to sign his copies of their books with INSULTS!  Brilliant!  (Metafilter).

Philly: Gov Corbett is evil some more, please do not snort bath salts, hijinks at Philly zoo

So Gov. Corbett doesn't just want to defund our schools; no, that would not be sufficiently in keeping with his quest to obtain the notice of Lucifer himself.  No, he wants voter approval for school district budgets, and teachers will be laid off if they don't show results.   What are results?  Who knows?  Who cares! (Philly.com)

Apparently the newest local way to get high is to snort bath salts.  And when I say high I mean complete psychotic break that is in no way good and will probably end up with you and your cat dead. (Leighton News)

Philadelphia Zoo has a rhino that is obsessed with the Ellen DeGeneres show.  What, sometimes it's a slow news day.  In other Philly Zoo news, the name of the institution has apparently been changed to "Penis World." (Philebrity)

Books and a side of urine-free wetsuit: Better than pounding a nail up your nose

Here is something that is not about either PA or books but somehow is still wonderful.  An ebay post about a never-urinated in wetsuit was done with so much panache and delightful British slang that it became an amazing fundraiser for Japan.  Check this shit out! (Metafilter)

Failed Nevada Republican pol Sharon Angle has chosen to self-publish her memoirs , which you know have to be the crazy scribblings of a serial killer. (Yahoo). Meanwhile, fellow wackjob Jack Cashill won't stop until he proves that Barack Obama didn't write his memoirs.  (The Daily Beast).

Writer Beware Blog posted info regarding the Midwest Literary Magazine, which is soliciting your work so it can steal it and reprint it without your permission.

The ridiculous in the world of writing: That dude with the (admittedly funny) fake twitter account for Rahm Emanuel has landed a book deal based on the fake Rahm tweets. (New York Times) Writers need to find new ways to insult each other, so some are resorting to Twitter, as in this Michael Chabon/ Ayelet Wylman/ Katie Roiphe fight.

Pennsylvania: Gov. Corbett to every single school in PA -- tonight I'm frakking you

Sadly, this post is not about a geek tribute to Princess Leia and Skin Jobs.  (Metafilter)  And maybe the schools would be down with it if Corbett was hot and sexy like that sexy sexy Gov Christie. (Inquirer).  Anyways, given that the proposed cuts to higher education are, according to Penn officials, the most dramatic defunding of education in the history of the country, maybe it's understandable why people are not rushing to congratulate Gov. Corbett on his plan.  And because not everybody in PA is taking whatever drugs the Gov is on, people reasonably would like the natural gas industry that poisoning our state unhindered by needed regulation to pony up, you know, a little bit in the way of tax revenues -- thus allowing the state to not, you know, take college opportunities away from poor kids. (ABC). But probably the Gov is not going to actually do what the voters would like him to do.  Some hints of this:  A top Corbett aide compared the documentary Gasland -- the Oscar-nominated film about the hazards of frakking -- to Nazi propaganda.  (Daily News).  The Daily News also wonders if Corbett is declaring war on education.  And so it goes.

Books -- Bret Easton Ellis on Charlie Sheen, overuse of 'awesome' at SXSW, Rushdie goin' all Hollywood

The God of all things nihilistic, Bret Easton Ellis, comes up with this paean to Charlie Sheen.   It's really fucking weird, man, I'm telling you this right now. (Daily Beast)  Some poor soul at The Guardian is highly annoyed with the overuse of the word 'awesome' at SXSW. Salman Rushdie goes to Hollywood! (apparently).  He's writing for a Showtime show called 'Next People' and is co-screenwriter for an upcoming film adaptation of Midnight's Children.

Philadelphia: Why Gov. Tom Corbett deserves to be punched in the mug repeatedly

Oh Tom Corbett, it's all about the gas, in'nt?  Our Governor's best friend, the natural gas industry, tried to get Gasland, the Oscar-nominated documentary that examined how the process of fracking leads to, oh, a devastated environment and very sick people, disqualified from the Oscars.  You can't handle the fracking truth.  But maybe it is also about more than sick people and poisoned environments -- there's also, as the Inquirer puts it, Corbett's 'War on Education.'  You see, funding for PA higher education is now down below to 1983 levels, thanks to our new gov.   Outside of the substance of this fact, to me it's another possible piece of evidence that demonstrates that the people who voted him into office are slack-jawed yokels. And it's not only those fetid pools of socialism (read: university campuses) Corbett is after; as per the Inquirer, Corbett's planned one billion cuts from public ed would make kindergarten unaffordable for many PA districts.  Those evil five-year-olds must be stopped!  But in fact, it's a perfect time to withdraw state monies, what with United Way reporting that the number of households seeking the charity's services for the first time has increased by 50%. (CBS)

PENNSYLVANIA ANIMAL HOUR WOO WITH A BUCKET OF HOO

A plan is afoot to use parasitic wasps to deal with the ever-nearing stink bug epidemic.  And then in the next scene Will Smith is driving around a New York that is empty but for deer, a lion, and legions of parasitic-wasp zombies.  An elderly wolf escaped from a rehab center.  Officials say that the wolf isn't dangerous but advise the hiding of the dope if the wolf stumbles into your living room, with a bottle of Jack clutched between its teeth and drunken wolfie tears in its eyes.  A pizzeria owner in my hood, Upper  Darby, decided the best way to beat the competition was to deposit bags of mice in his competitors' restaurants.  For reals.  OH COME ON WOULD I LIE TO YOU (this all comes from ABC any lies are on their heads).

Books that suck: Ones starring your students, The Green Book, Twilight anything, anything not written by D.F. Wallace

A teacher attempted to motivate her students to read by writing a novel with her students as characters doing things like, well, doing drugs and fucking, apparently.  The students were very happy to read it.  The teacher was not so happy to lose her job and go to court. (The Guardian).  Those of you who watched Qaddafi's speech yesterday probably have two questions 1) What drugs was he on and how do I get some and 2) What the hell was that green book from which he was reading?  Well the name of that book is (wait for it) The Green Book, and Galleycat has a succinct explanation of what's in them there pages.  Inkygirl has what she claims is photographic evidence that Twilight is good for nothing but the bargain bin.

Finally, Metafilter by way of Flavorpill brings us word of the first official documentary of David Foster Wallace.  It's called Endnotes.  Sniff.

Philadelphia: The end of the world (+ Santorum + arsonists + stinkbugs + union-bashing + pizza-as-missile)

Rick  Santorum continues his crazy tour of crazy craziness by positing that terrorism is the result of multiculturalism.   But "have you heard the awesome news?"  The end of the world is almost here!!! (Philebrity)  Yeah that sounds about fucking right.  Further reasons to celebrate the end of humanity:  Some dick has been targeting some immigrant families in Upper Darby by trying to burn them to death in their sleep.  Douchebag.  Yes, Philly has a 50% public school graduation rate, but fear not, those vigilant admins are keeping them from wearing breast cancer awareness bracelets.  But don't be sad; put on a happy face to welcome this spring's epidemic of stink bugs!  (CBS)  The Daily News examines Corbett's drive to eliminate union jobs (e.g., by privatizing liquor stores, by giving students vouchers to private schools) and determines that he's similar to that asshole in Wisconsin who is trying to eliminate collective bargaining.

Finally:  it's been a while since I hung up my legal spurs, but not so long that I (and by extension, you, dear reader) can't enjoy this lovely tale of a judge who found pieces of pizza can act as missiles.  Of course they can.

Books: Oh the librarians are tweeting so watch out; BOMB wants your fiction; professional wrestling, how do we love thee

NJ librarians are engaging in some twitter activism to counter some of the dumbfucks there who are trying to zero out funding.  Tweet to #jerseylibrarians to show your support.  BOMB mag is seeking fiction submissions, so send 'em in. (Galleycat)  Scott Brown's memoir reveals that he had a spectacularly fucked-up childhood, which like, okay, but he is still Scott Brown and I'd rather he not be in the Senate, sorry, okay? (Washington Post). 

Finally, this incident from WWF demonstrates that we were all wrong and that professional wrestling is perhaps the best fucking thing on earth.  (Metafilter)

Philly and SJ: Hello, KKK! Hello, naked crazy driver! Hello rampaging raccoons!

So, they're burning crosses in South Jersey, apparently. (ABC).  Perhaps an unfortunate manifestation of the foreclosure crisis, some raccoons have taken over an abandoned Philly house and are terrorizing the neighbors. (Philly.com).  In a further sign of the impending apocalypse, in Philly there has been an epidemic of naked women in cars striking pedestrians.  (PA Water Cooler).  Okay, not an epidemic, just the one.  Even so.

Books: Lethem leaves Brooklyn, Chabon at MacDowell, sexy sex sex sex, drunk guy on ice

The totally fucking awesome:  A drunk guy doing a seal impression.  No, watch it.  It's impressive.

The baaaaaaad:  Book sites are sexing things up, I guess because of that thing that occurs on February 14th, and mostly it's annoying, but I did enjoy this J. Franzen excerpt that Salon has honored as good sex writing -- in part because Franzen has written about how hard it is to write about fucking and, well, because it's fucking hot. 

The ugly.  Yes, Borders bankruptcy with hundreds of stores closing.  (Galley Cat)

And other shit:  Johnathan Lethem SLAMS Brooklyn as a place that is, his words, "cancerous" with novelists and disses the high level of "mental traffic" in the B to the R to the double O K. (LA Times)  For some reason I am enjoying my diss on my old stomping ground -- a place, like Portland, where people say they are of the "creative class" and are not ironic about it.

Michael Chabon is now chair of the MacDowell Writer's Colony -- Poets and Writers interviews him about it.

Philly and NJ: We hate libraries, Keynesian economics, medical marijuana, and puppies

Poor Camden is now losing 25% of its prosecutors.  (ABC).  Poor Camden is also losing its library this week. (Philly.com) NJ has medical marijuana, of course, but only twenty groups have signed up because that fat bastard Christie is terrified by the prospect of 'marijuana abuse.'  You should never abuse a marijuana plant.  Poor little plant. (CBS).  Pat Toomey has apparently never heard of Keynesian economics, and is lecturing the President accordingly. (McCall.com) Fucking stupid skeletor man. Corbett is telling us PA has a 4-5 billion dollar budget gap, and rather than do something than say, TAX THE GAS COMPANIES THAT ARE FRACKING PENNSYLVANIA INTO OBLIVION he will, probably, you know, do things that will leave people eating dog food for dinner and shit.

Philadelphia: Men come here to die

Well, what a thing.  Philly is ranked 99th out of 100 U.S. cities in terms of men's health.  We beat St. Louis, MO!  No word yet on how healthy the ladies are, I guess.  (NBC).  The PA Water Cooler blog thinks that -- uh -- Philly firefighters are going to be enlisted to put out Camden's fires, I guess?  Maybe not such a great idea?  Also, in further confused uptalking, there is a Paranormal Research Society at Penn State?  And their members become possessed and recite lines from The Importance of Being Ernest?  Hmmm.   Finally, in celebration of Valentines Day, the World Cafe Live is holding an "Ex-Files" story slam.  Cool.

Philadelphia: I give a baby Cafe Bustelo, mushroom pizza, and Louis C.K.

The results:

(N.B. Baby did not actually ingest Cafe  Bustelo, had only three olives off the pizza, and if Louis C.K. says, "A woman will shit into your heart" she is too young to understand)

Books: The publishing depression, the apocalypse, and a baby monkey riding a pig

An editor laid off from Harper's Mag talks about how the publishing industry is in a state of "depression."   (GalleyCat)  The NYT reviews Mark Hertsgaard’s “Hot,” the latest book about the perils of climate change, and is terrified by it.   So far, this is a really fucking depressing post.  Let's see what else we got here:  Huh, nothing fun and cheery.  So here is a video of a baby monkey riding a pig.

Philadelphia: Who cares what happened here, there was a snake on a train in Boston

     The number of homicides in Philly since 2001 is greater than the number of U.S. service people killed in Iraq. (Philebrity)  Let's hear it for our local starving authors:  City Paper is having the winners of their lit contest read their stuff out loud this coming Wed. 
     My contention that U.S. football is lameish is supported by the fact that people are really excited that a N.J. camel named Princess predicted that one of the two teams (which? I don't even know who's playing so can't be bothered) will win.  So, check it.  Not only did these people name their camel 'Princess,' they're fucking making it tap it's hoof or squat or eat the carrot that represents one of the teams.  No, I don't care how the camel actually made the prediction.  I care that people are harassing the camel.  (Actually the camel ate some graham crackers.  But it is still named Princess).
     Not local news but so awesome it must be mentioned.  So, this lady takes her python on the Boston subway; it slithered away and was missing for a month; it was spotted on a train by a commuter; it was caught.  What a heartwarming tale.

Books: GRAPHIC NOVELS FROM HELL

Get ready for the Humpty Dumpty gore fest that is coming via graphic novel.  You say you want some more really fucking twisted graphic novel news?  You sure?  Okay, wait for it.  Britney Spears autobiographical comic to hit the shelves soon. (Galley Cat)

Philly: Outbreak of snow penises, Obama wants you to tell Toomey he looks like Skeletor

Remember Barack Obama?  Come on, you know you do.  Anyway, he wants all PA residents to call Pat Toomey and tell him he's full of shit, given that he would rather people be sick and die, rather than receive health care. (Philebrity) Go on, do it.  Tell him he looks like Skeletor, too.  If it is this winter that is making you sick, in addition to harassing Toomey, you might commune with this traumatized drainpipe. (Philebrity).  Philly is trying to convert badlands homes into affordable housing.  Awesome.  (Action News)  The Daily Penn has a totally awesome collection of penile snow art that are amazingly -- um -- detailed.  (Under the Button)Here you thought Penn students were all classy and shit.

Books: Protect your local library. Also, that judge who ruled against HCR is lacking a functioning brain

The people in Egypt, in addition to fighting for their inalienable rights, are also working together to protect the library in Alexandria. Fucking bad-ass!  (Guardian).  What's more, the Brits are doing the same thing (although they're fighting budget cuts, not looters).  Not about books, but worthy of a read all the same:  NYRB takes up the latest court decisions on HCR and finds that the judges who are ruling HCR is unconstitutional are fucking dumb-asses -- legally speaking.

Philly: Toomey: our next ambassador to Afghanistan?

 Pennsylvania is contemplating whether to try an eleven-year-old as an adult for murder.  If convicted, he could face life without parole. (Metafilter).  On a less outraging note, a West Philly high school kid is going to be at the State of the Union tonight as a dignitary because he went to visit the White House in September but couldn't get in without his I.D. and was really sad about it.  U Penn comes up with a State of the Union drinking game.  Senator Pat Toomey goes to Afghanistan and sadly did not remain there.  Seriously, go back, Pat.  But he was there to deliver a sound message of fiscal conservatism -- defense is not part of the budget we should cut, according to him.  Go back to Afghanistan, Pat.  Nobody likes you.  Yeah, I hope I hurt your feelings.

Books: Harlem is Nowhere, pissing on Borges, Safran Foer tortures his dog

In Harlem is Nowhere, Sarifa Rhodes-Pitts examines Harlem history and there seems to be a comparison between the threats of the current gentrification and the urban plight of earlier years.  (Salon) Oh, Harlem, how I miss thee.  A writer decides to honor Borges by pissing on his grave; outrage ensues. (Guardian)  Johnathan Safran Foer tried to make his dog a vegetarian , which may indicate something vaguely disturbing about the author.

Philadelphia: Pizza robberies, the great crack eat-a-thon, Michael Vick should suffer more

In Philly, the task of pizza delivery people just got more thankless as people are robbing them.  People, that's not how you treat those who proffer the food of the gods! PBS follows the dogs that Michael Vick tortured.  Look, when you have enough material to do a doc about the traumatized animals of a dog fighter, should said dog fighter be earning a gazillion dollars?  I say no, but I hate football anyway.  In my hood of Upper Darby, a dude tried to swallow thirty packets of crack when accosted by police.  Bold.  Stupid.

Philadelphia: Santorum is an idot, dog electrocution, Camden chaos

Rick Santorum believes that, as a black man, Obama is obligated to be pro-life.  Blood Libel!  Also, please do remember that Senator Toomey is to the right of this joke of a man. (Philebrity). Also, additional occasions of dogs being zapped by electricity as they walked Philly streets. (Philebrity)  Girl Scout cookie season has begun.  (CBS) The season on Girl Scouts has yet to be announced. I'm sorry that was a terrible thing to write.  Please don't read this blog and do any killing.  Predictable chaos in Camden after 50% of its police force was laid off. (CBS)

Books: Mega Bob Dylan book contract, stupid fucking Assange coloring book

Bob Dylan has agreed to a six-book contract with Simon & Schuster (Guardian).  Neil Gaiman is scheduled to appear in The Simpsons next year. (Galley Cat)  Too bad he can't get in a time machine and appear in the era in which The Simpsons was awesome.  Oh hey, there's a Julian Assange coloring book!  (Galley Cat)  Definitely what the world needs.  And the best news of all:  Stephanie Meyer's sales are starting to cool down. 

Philadelphia: Glenn Beck hates us, our youth are poets, Camden buck-nakedness

Philly now has the proud distinction of being a place that Glenn Beck hates.    How can he hate us when we have the Philly Youth Poetry Movement?    In front of a police station in Camden, a woman stripped naked before a gathering of reporters who were there to cover the devastating lay offs to the police force there.  Questions remain as to whether the stripping was a celebration of the lay offs, a protest, or a result of crazy worms nesting in the woman's brain.

Books and Palin Mockery: Get ready to O.D. on folksiness; the 'spovel'

First, let's give a hand to Earbucket of Metafilter for his recent discovery of two folksy people singing a paen to Palin,   Somebody somewhere has coined the term 'spovel' for a satirical novel -- quick, get your queries ready, because of course this have never been done before -- case in point:  A book about that mean American Idol judge called The Sex Factor.  No, I don't know, either.

Philadelphia: Portland resemblences, Camden anarchy, Rendell death-mask grimace

Philebrity muses on the similarities between Portland and Philly as manifested in the new show Portlandia, which apparently chock-full of mockery.  I miss Portland but it is true there are too many white people in sweaters there.  Poor Camden is looking at losing half of its police force.   Clearly, the right solution is to cut taxes.  Annnd former gov Rendell explains a bit why he ended up baring his teeth on Sixty Minutes.

Books: Get a tattoo and a lifetime of books and DHS scrutiny

Publisher Black Ocean is offering a lifetime subscription -- meaning one of all of its future published books -- to anybody who gets a tattoo in homage to a Black Ocean title. As it happens, one of its books is titled Dear Al Qaeda.   And the title isn't misleading, apparently.   Yo, do yourself a favor and don't ink your body up for that prior to an international flight.

Philadelphia: Fires, wheelchair kill zones, the pro-fracking contingent

Big fire displaced over 130 people in West Philly.  Here are some ways you can help.  The press has nicely taken note that the sidewalks in Philly tell wheelchair users to fuck themselves on a daily basis.  Word.  Also, the people at PA Water Cooler are really fucking nuts.   It's sort of fun to read the blogs that read as spittle flecked diatribes against things like the AP piece that pointed out that PA rivers are very very vulnerable to the soon-to-be carnival of natural gas drilling.

Books: My next novel is going to be about herpes and you suck, R. Crumb

The Guardian suggests that some of the most compelling novels are about disease.  The Guardian also totally believes that Robert Crumb sucks hard, contrary to the opinion of the literary world and comic book guy.   Galley Cat offers a free mixtape of the award winners in the ALA Youth Media competition.  A debut novelist got this year's Newberry Award.  Oh, the envy, it burns.  Just kidding, congrats Clare Vaaderpool.  And finally, there is a new prize for formal poets.

Philadelphia: Basted in pickle juice aka the post I hope Mom doesn't read

Philebrity does a nice translation of Mayor Nutter's SNOW AGAIN FUCK press release.  Key ingredient in snow prep: yes, pickle juice.   Also, there is a random stabber to go along with our serial killer.  Speaking of which, the latest body found in Kensington was not the work of that evil dude.  Also, North Philly was bathed in eight million gallons of water today, thanks to a water main break.

Um, Mom, hope you didn't read this one.

Book news: Why.

So.  Um.  They're making a movie of Great Gatsby in 3D.  Why?    There is now an ebook app for babies.  Why? A French journalist plagiarizes 100 pages of somebody's material for a bio on Hemmingway.  Whhyy?

Philly: Opera flash mob, horrible budget problems, Congressional incompetence

An opera flash mob hit the Reading Terminal Market and sang Carmen.  Philly public schools have a $500 million dollar deficit for the 11-12 fiscal year, so yikes.  Showing just oodles of promise,  GOP Rep. Fitzpatrick from Bucks Co. sort of forgot to show up for his Congressional swearing-in.  Good job!

Book news: waterboarding Rumsfeld and new grant for new writers in New York

McSweeny's  writers imagine the plight of Donald Rumsfeld in an alternative reality where he is held as a detainee.  The New York Times asks various smart people how to define the role of a critic in today's society.  There is a new very cool sounding grant for new writers who reside in the five boroughs of New York City.   Philly totally needs to get in on that action. Finally, there is a new secret Obama novel and I  guess I should be excited but I am not.

Tip: Get drunk after the home invasion, not during

A local man called the police after he 1) Broke into somebody's house and 2) Proceeded to get drunk to the extent that he was unable to break out of the person's house.

So, he called the police.

Awesome.   But maybe the guy in Philly who is threatened a trash man with a rifle is not so awesome.
What is really not awesome?  Bedbug infestation of high schools in Reading, PA.

Creepy Twilight Dude, Creepy Assange Dude, Goodnight N-word

That vampire dude from Twilight is working with Cronenberg to bring Delilio's book Cosmopolis to the silver screen.   That annoying Assange dude is getting 1.3 million for his autobiography, but he does have legal fees to pay, so there's that.  Meanwhile, Colbert reasonably suggests that the n-words removed from Huck Finn could migrate to other classics, so he may find himself reading to his children Goodnight N-Word at bedtime.

PA reps eager to brutally savage the 14th amendment

Because if there's one thing that needs a-changing in this country, it's these gosh-durn principles of equality

Pa. lawmaker's group takes on 'birthright citizenship' | Philadelphia Inquirer | 01/06/2011

Pat Toomey can't wait to do EVIL

He could stop fidgeting and solve some problems by retiring.
Toomey eager to roll up sleeves, take on problems - delcotimes.com

200 N-words to disappear from Huck Finn

NewSouth books, based in Alabama, plans to slice the word out of Huck Finn. I am not sure if NewSouth believes this is a way to make a new South, but damn they've pissed off a lot of people.

New Huckleberry Finn edition censors 'n-word' | Books | guardian.co.uk

Philly's serial killer: It's not about the Guardian Angels, dumbasses

Phawker » Blog Archive » KENSINGTON STRANGLER: Hell’s Angels
Really great piece about how the press might stop getting all excited about Guardian Angels involvement and start writing about, say, poverty, the decay of the city, and how yes, if you write off whole stretches of Philly in terms of law enforcement and tell hookers it's their fault for getting raped, you just might have a serial-killer friendly environment.

Russia's Tolstoy problem

Tolstoy Remains Snubbed in Russia - NYTimes.com
So weird.

Note from PA: Can you please frack up our rivers?

Pa. allows dumping of tainted waters from natural gas drilling boom - delcotimes.com

I guess it's not enough that we aren't getting any tax revenues from the fuckers. Rivers on fire and no infrastructure! Yay!

Psychotic liar James Frey's new book supposed to be one of the biggest in 2011? Holy Crap

The best books of 2011 | Culture | The Guardian
Well Frey's written a book about a Power Bisexual Jesus. That's interesting. Also, it feels too soon for the Wallace book. Ah well.

Not a rant re: shoveling the motherfuckin' walk

Enjoy your stay - at the airport

Sorry about that bit yesterday. Actually I"m not sorry because that motherfuckin' snow kept me from my motherfuckin' coffee so fuck off. Anyways, above is a book review for my brother who will be soon flying back to NYC from Paris, and a good thing too because apparently if my niece stays there much longer she will charm all the Europeans insensate.

YO PHILLY SHOVEL YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN WALKS ALREADY

Look, my dear new town, I try to be nice.  I try to not lay to many F bombs on you -- but I swear to god some of youse deserve to be chewed up one side and down the other with a proper New York telling off that I cannot completely muster because I am Oregonian at heart.

You know that big fuckin piece of ice on snow in front of your sidewalk?  Guess what, some fuckin' poor old lady has to get through that who is probably living on cat food or more likely sawdust because cat food is so expensive.  You, you lazy shit, because there's some fucking marathon on Spike TV decided to see if you could increase your stores of assfat and not shovel your fucking walk.  Hope you feel really fucking good about yourself you piece of dreck.   Thanks for making the world a better place.

And you know what I would shovel your walk you fat piece of shit but I can't.  I use a wheelchair to do everything.  Get to the store, get to the pharmacy, put the bills in the mail.  And when you don't shovel your fucking walk, guess who remains inside for days in an increasingly homicidal stew.