Philadelphia crime: Jesus, people. Do not toss people on the train tracks. Do not beat up little kids. And do not steal Michael Jackson's shoes ZOMG MICHAEL JACKSON'S SHOES WERE STOLEN aww who gives a fuck he's dead anyway

In the space of one week the Philly area manage to rack up these impressive feats of double-plus-ungood:
1) AN ABSOLUTELY HORRIFYING INCIDENT AS SEEN IN THIS VIDEO of this guy, outta nowhere, repeatedly punching this lady in the face who was waiting for the train and then throwing her onto the tracks as she Sylvester-the-cat-like tries to stay on the platform. (YouTube/AP) Lady is somehow miraculously okay, mostly because this is a stop where the train is infrequent.
2) Somebody stole Michael Jackson's shoes. (NBC) MICHAEL JACKSON'S SHOES WERE STOLEN PHILLY IS THERE NOTHING YOU WILL NOT DO
3) Some douchebag dad beat up an eight-year old who was teasing his son. (Daily Times) See, because there is nothing more heart-warming than an object lesson of the power of violence.

Angrycat sees, judges, and condemns.

Wacky crime news within atomic-bomb range of Philadelphia

A man dialed 9-1-1 with his butt, which is just not time for it if you're in the middle of a bunch of illegal drugs (Poconos Record).  Some burglars told the resident of the home they were burgling to go back to bed, she was just having a nightmare (NBC) while others mugging people told their marks that they were on a new reality show, You Just Got Robbed! (Time) For real, yo.