Books that suck: Ones starring your students, The Green Book, Twilight anything, anything not written by D.F. Wallace

A teacher attempted to motivate her students to read by writing a novel with her students as characters doing things like, well, doing drugs and fucking, apparently.  The students were very happy to read it.  The teacher was not so happy to lose her job and go to court. (The Guardian).  Those of you who watched Qaddafi's speech yesterday probably have two questions 1) What drugs was he on and how do I get some and 2) What the hell was that green book from which he was reading?  Well the name of that book is (wait for it) The Green Book, and Galleycat has a succinct explanation of what's in them there pages.  Inkygirl has what she claims is photographic evidence that Twilight is good for nothing but the bargain bin.

Finally, Metafilter by way of Flavorpill brings us word of the first official documentary of David Foster Wallace.  It's called Endnotes.  Sniff.

Philadelphia: The end of the world (+ Santorum + arsonists + stinkbugs + union-bashing + pizza-as-missile)

Rick  Santorum continues his crazy tour of crazy craziness by positing that terrorism is the result of multiculturalism.   But "have you heard the awesome news?"  The end of the world is almost here!!! (Philebrity)  Yeah that sounds about fucking right.  Further reasons to celebrate the end of humanity:  Some dick has been targeting some immigrant families in Upper Darby by trying to burn them to death in their sleep.  Douchebag.  Yes, Philly has a 50% public school graduation rate, but fear not, those vigilant admins are keeping them from wearing breast cancer awareness bracelets.  But don't be sad; put on a happy face to welcome this spring's epidemic of stink bugs!  (CBS)  The Daily News examines Corbett's drive to eliminate union jobs (e.g., by privatizing liquor stores, by giving students vouchers to private schools) and determines that he's similar to that asshole in Wisconsin who is trying to eliminate collective bargaining.

Finally:  it's been a while since I hung up my legal spurs, but not so long that I (and by extension, you, dear reader) can't enjoy this lovely tale of a judge who found pieces of pizza can act as missiles.  Of course they can.

Books: Oh the librarians are tweeting so watch out; BOMB wants your fiction; professional wrestling, how do we love thee

NJ librarians are engaging in some twitter activism to counter some of the dumbfucks there who are trying to zero out funding.  Tweet to #jerseylibrarians to show your support.  BOMB mag is seeking fiction submissions, so send 'em in. (Galleycat)  Scott Brown's memoir reveals that he had a spectacularly fucked-up childhood, which like, okay, but he is still Scott Brown and I'd rather he not be in the Senate, sorry, okay? (Washington Post). 

Finally, this incident from WWF demonstrates that we were all wrong and that professional wrestling is perhaps the best fucking thing on earth.  (Metafilter)

Philly and SJ: Hello, KKK! Hello, naked crazy driver! Hello rampaging raccoons!

So, they're burning crosses in South Jersey, apparently. (ABC).  Perhaps an unfortunate manifestation of the foreclosure crisis, some raccoons have taken over an abandoned Philly house and are terrorizing the neighbors. (Philly.com).  In a further sign of the impending apocalypse, in Philly there has been an epidemic of naked women in cars striking pedestrians.  (PA Water Cooler).  Okay, not an epidemic, just the one.  Even so.

Books: Lethem leaves Brooklyn, Chabon at MacDowell, sexy sex sex sex, drunk guy on ice

The totally fucking awesome:  A drunk guy doing a seal impression.  No, watch it.  It's impressive.

The baaaaaaad:  Book sites are sexing things up, I guess because of that thing that occurs on February 14th, and mostly it's annoying, but I did enjoy this J. Franzen excerpt that Salon has honored as good sex writing -- in part because Franzen has written about how hard it is to write about fucking and, well, because it's fucking hot. 

The ugly.  Yes, Borders bankruptcy with hundreds of stores closing.  (Galley Cat)

And other shit:  Johnathan Lethem SLAMS Brooklyn as a place that is, his words, "cancerous" with novelists and disses the high level of "mental traffic" in the B to the R to the double O K. (LA Times)  For some reason I am enjoying my diss on my old stomping ground -- a place, like Portland, where people say they are of the "creative class" and are not ironic about it.

Michael Chabon is now chair of the MacDowell Writer's Colony -- Poets and Writers interviews him about it.

Philly and NJ: We hate libraries, Keynesian economics, medical marijuana, and puppies

Poor Camden is now losing 25% of its prosecutors.  (ABC).  Poor Camden is also losing its library this week. (Philly.com) NJ has medical marijuana, of course, but only twenty groups have signed up because that fat bastard Christie is terrified by the prospect of 'marijuana abuse.'  You should never abuse a marijuana plant.  Poor little plant. (CBS).  Pat Toomey has apparently never heard of Keynesian economics, and is lecturing the President accordingly. (McCall.com) Fucking stupid skeletor man. Corbett is telling us PA has a 4-5 billion dollar budget gap, and rather than do something than say, TAX THE GAS COMPANIES THAT ARE FRACKING PENNSYLVANIA INTO OBLIVION he will, probably, you know, do things that will leave people eating dog food for dinner and shit.

Philadelphia: Men come here to die

Well, what a thing.  Philly is ranked 99th out of 100 U.S. cities in terms of men's health.  We beat St. Louis, MO!  No word yet on how healthy the ladies are, I guess.  (NBC).  The PA Water Cooler blog thinks that -- uh -- Philly firefighters are going to be enlisted to put out Camden's fires, I guess?  Maybe not such a great idea?  Also, in further confused uptalking, there is a Paranormal Research Society at Penn State?  And their members become possessed and recite lines from The Importance of Being Ernest?  Hmmm.   Finally, in celebration of Valentines Day, the World Cafe Live is holding an "Ex-Files" story slam.  Cool.

Philadelphia: I give a baby Cafe Bustelo, mushroom pizza, and Louis C.K.

The results:

(N.B. Baby did not actually ingest Cafe  Bustelo, had only three olives off the pizza, and if Louis C.K. says, "A woman will shit into your heart" she is too young to understand)

Books: The publishing depression, the apocalypse, and a baby monkey riding a pig

An editor laid off from Harper's Mag talks about how the publishing industry is in a state of "depression."   (GalleyCat)  The NYT reviews Mark Hertsgaard’s “Hot,” the latest book about the perils of climate change, and is terrified by it.   So far, this is a really fucking depressing post.  Let's see what else we got here:  Huh, nothing fun and cheery.  So here is a video of a baby monkey riding a pig.

Philadelphia: Who cares what happened here, there was a snake on a train in Boston

     The number of homicides in Philly since 2001 is greater than the number of U.S. service people killed in Iraq. (Philebrity)  Let's hear it for our local starving authors:  City Paper is having the winners of their lit contest read their stuff out loud this coming Wed. 
     My contention that U.S. football is lameish is supported by the fact that people are really excited that a N.J. camel named Princess predicted that one of the two teams (which? I don't even know who's playing so can't be bothered) will win.  So, check it.  Not only did these people name their camel 'Princess,' they're fucking making it tap it's hoof or squat or eat the carrot that represents one of the teams.  No, I don't care how the camel actually made the prediction.  I care that people are harassing the camel.  (Actually the camel ate some graham crackers.  But it is still named Princess).
     Not local news but so awesome it must be mentioned.  So, this lady takes her python on the Boston subway; it slithered away and was missing for a month; it was spotted on a train by a commuter; it was caught.  What a heartwarming tale.

Books: GRAPHIC NOVELS FROM HELL

Get ready for the Humpty Dumpty gore fest that is coming via graphic novel.  You say you want some more really fucking twisted graphic novel news?  You sure?  Okay, wait for it.  Britney Spears autobiographical comic to hit the shelves soon. (Galley Cat)

Philly: Outbreak of snow penises, Obama wants you to tell Toomey he looks like Skeletor

Remember Barack Obama?  Come on, you know you do.  Anyway, he wants all PA residents to call Pat Toomey and tell him he's full of shit, given that he would rather people be sick and die, rather than receive health care. (Philebrity) Go on, do it.  Tell him he looks like Skeletor, too.  If it is this winter that is making you sick, in addition to harassing Toomey, you might commune with this traumatized drainpipe. (Philebrity).  Philly is trying to convert badlands homes into affordable housing.  Awesome.  (Action News)  The Daily Penn has a totally awesome collection of penile snow art that are amazingly -- um -- detailed.  (Under the Button)Here you thought Penn students were all classy and shit.

Books: Protect your local library. Also, that judge who ruled against HCR is lacking a functioning brain

The people in Egypt, in addition to fighting for their inalienable rights, are also working together to protect the library in Alexandria. Fucking bad-ass!  (Guardian).  What's more, the Brits are doing the same thing (although they're fighting budget cuts, not looters).  Not about books, but worthy of a read all the same:  NYRB takes up the latest court decisions on HCR and finds that the judges who are ruling HCR is unconstitutional are fucking dumb-asses -- legally speaking.